


I’m trying to prevent the storm from bearing down on you

by Catpal



Series: we fight together, not alone [1]
Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 10:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24848614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catpal/pseuds/Catpal
Summary: Jen finally addresses Judy’s confession of what she was planning to do before she received Jen’s call on the night Steve died. Addresses the whole breakdown in the garage/car scene. Starts angsty but ends fluffy because I cannot help myself
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Series: we fight together, not alone [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1797613
Comments: 16
Kudos: 105





	I’m trying to prevent the storm from bearing down on you

**Author's Note:**

> Set a few weeks after the revelations from THE garage scene and Judy’s subsequent breakdown in the car 
> 
> T/W: mentions of suicide, kind of light light mention of self harm, discussion on poor mental health 
> 
> Thanks Kallie for the prompt, the betaing and for talking me down from my spiral haha

“You know what you can do, you can disappear off the fucking planet.” The words she’d spat in venom, in fear, in anger haunted her every day. The words she had said to her best friend, her person and soul mate, which had been taken to heart. She could have so easily lost another person she loved and it would have been her fault. She could never forgive herself for that. She would never forgive herself for that. 

Because of what she had said, Judy - literal ray of fucking sunshine - had thought she deserved to die. After a life of being emotionally manipulated and abused by her mother, Steve, and probably countless others, Jen - the person Judy had relied on most in the world - had made her believe that she deserved to die,for an accident. A mistake. She may have driven away from the scene but Jen knew the hold Steve had had over Judy and had experienced his anger first hand. Jen knew in her heart that if it wasn’t for Steve and his years of emotional manipulation, Judy would have pulled over to help Ted in any way she could. 

When Jen thought about how Judy must have felt as those words had echoed through the bathroom on that day, how she must have felt alone mourning Abe and mourning the loss of the only true family she had ever known, Jen was overcome with a guilt so deep and viscous that she felt like she was drowning in it. It was inescapable. She loved Judy so much; she wanted to build a life with her, but how could she ever think she was worthy of the younger woman after what she’d said and what she’d done? She wanted to talk to Judy about it but it was hard to approach the topic, hard for Jen to wade through her guilt and see through to the other side. A side where she deserved the love of her best friend and where they had everything out in the open so that they could truly make a life together and be a family. 

To add salt to the wound, after Judy’s confession Jen had pushed her to her breaking point. 

As she stood in front of that car and watched Judy’s breakdown she finally realized just how much the other woman hid her pain from everyone around her. It had been heart wrenching to hold the brunette as she finally let it all out. 

Judy never wanted to be a burden and she always wanted to help everyone so she hid her trauma and pretended that she was okay. But she wasn’t okay - she was far from it - and she needed someone to reach out to her for once. 

In the moment Jen had been there for her and then in the days that followed she’d let her own bullshit take over again and Judy’s confession had fallen to the wayside. 

Every day that passed since Judy’s confession and since her breakdown in the car just made Jen feel guiltier. To not know that her words had had that effect and never acknowledge them was bad enough, but to know and say nothing? To know, and not try to help Judy? It disgusted her. She was being a coward and it needed to stop. She had spent many hours imagining a life where Judy was more than just a friend; where she lived in the main house instead of the guesthouse and Jen got to greet her with a kiss every night when she walked in the door. 

She knew she didn’t deserve that life with Judy unless she was willing to face up to her mistakes. To own her words, and her actions and the effect they had on a person she loved so deeply. 

Jen decided it was a two glass of wine conversation, so that night she encouraged Judy out onto the patio (it never took much) and she drank deeply from her glass trying to stave off the anxiety that filled her. It threatened to implode the anxiety that tried to tell her it would be easier to just leave this particular topic alone and to let Judy’s confession disappear into the ether, pretend she had never heard it. She couldn’t do that though; she wanted to be a better person for Judy and for her boys and that all started with a step in the right direction: this step. 

Judy’s eyes were fixed on the TV, enjoying the facts of life re-run that was playing tonight. It was a good one, with Tootie’s brother coming home for a visit, taking the girls to a college party. Jen couldn’t help but think how beautiful Judy looked, bathed in the soft light from the TV, her hair pulled back in a rare ponytail and her bangs slightly wavy on her forehead. They were getting long; her eyelashes brushed the ends of her hair with every blink. 

Jen shook herself from her reverie. This was not a time for pining over her best friend. 

“Jude, I wanted to talk to you about something.” 

“Is it about your undying love for me? ‘Cause I kind of already knew about that.” Judy smirked, not taking her eyes off the TV. 

“Jesus fucking Christ Judy, I’m not joking around, I need to talk to you about something.” Jen bit back, hoping Judy wouldn’t realise that there was a whole lot of truth in her joke. 

“Sorry.” Judy responded, wincing slightly at the harshness in the other woman’s tone. 

Jen sighed dramatically. “You need to stop saying fucking sorry. I’m the one being a fucking asshole, don’t apologize to me.” 

“Sor-“ 

“I swear to fucking God Judy you better not be about to say sorry right now.” Jen tried to fix Judy with a glare and ended up bursting out laughing as soon she met the brunette’s eyes. Judy quickly followed suit and the two friends found themselves collapsing into each other as their laughter reached an uncontrollable level. 

Once Jen had sobered up enough to be serious she put down her wine glass and angled her body towards Judy, taking one of her hands and placing it in her own lap. 

“Listen, I uh... I need to say I’m sorry.” 

Judy’s eyebrows knitted together, confusion filling her face. “I told you, I forgive you.” 

“No not for... that.” She paused, both women silently acknowledging that the ‘that’ Jen was referring to was her killing Steve and then making Judy hide the body and then lying to her about how it had happened. 

“You know that day when I said... what I said? When I told you uh... you know when I made you think that...” Jen trailed off. This was fucking hard. How did you tell someone you were sorry that you made them want to kill themselves? 

Judy’s big brown eyes were full of concern as she concentrated on Jen, giving her the time she knew the older woman would need to find the right words. It hit Jen then just how much Judy truly understood her and how hard it was for her to be vulnerable and she was always so goddamn patient, giving her all the time and space she needed to open herself up. 

“Jen, honey, what is it?” Judy looked really worried. Jen was not surprised, considering the fact that she sounded fucking insane right now. 

“Listen Judy I’m trying to apologize for making you want to kill yourself or whatever the fuck.” 

Judy flinched harder this time, tears instantly filling her eyes. The sight broke Jen’s heart. 

“I didn’t tell you that to make you feel bad.” Judy was looking down into Jen’s lap, where their hands were still intertwined.

Jen moved her free hand to Judy’s chin and gave it a gentle nudge, forcing her to look up. Jen wanted Judy to really hear what she was about to say.

“I should feel fucking bad though. I was angry, but I didn’t have to be such a fucking bitch to you. When I saw you hitting yourself in the car Jude, it broke my fucking heart.” Judy’s cheeks flushed slightly at the mention of what had happened in the car and Jen knew she must be embarrassed at having been seen in such a vulnerable moment. She gave Judy’s hand a gentle squeeze because she wanted to do something - anything - to try and comfort her best friend. 

“I don’t want you to carry that sadness around with you all the time.” Judy was nodding sadly now, moving her hands away from Jen’s to wipe the tears that were falling unbidden from her eyes. Jen took a deep breath to steady herself and try to stave off her own tears before pressing on. 

“You’re my person, and I can’t... I don’t want to imagine my fucking life without you in it and I fucking hate knowing that I made you feel otherwise because I have to be such a fucking psycho all the time.” It felt like word vomit but now that she had started she couldn’t stop. Hot tears spilled down her cheeks and she didn’t even bother to wipe them away. 

She glanced down at Judy’s lap where the brunette was now wringing her hands, clearly more than uncomfortable with the current topic of discussion. But there were things Jen needed to hold herself accountable for and she couldn’t just stop because it didn’t feel good. 

“Listen I know I can say shitty things to you sometimes, and I’m going to stop doing that. You need to know you deserve better. You always tell me I should love myself more, well right back at ya.” 

Judy’s face was scrunched up with the effort of stopping her tears from flowing and she wouldn’t meet Jen’s eyes. 

“You told me that I saved you, but I’m the one who made you feel like it was your only choice in the first place. I want to help you now. You’ve helped me so fucking much Jude and I can’t lose you and neither can the boys. So I want… I want to help you, but you need to tell me how.” 

A weird smirk appeared on Judy’s face. “I mean I don’t think Charlie would mind if I were gone.” 

“I don’t know, he might miss all that tofu you force us to eat.” It was easy to slip back into their comfortable banter. 

They both chuckled and Jen reached up to wipe the tears off Judy’s face, a small smile gracing the younger woman’s face at the action. 

“I’m just worried… I don’t know…. sometimes you go so quiet and you look sad and I think about what I said and whether or not you’re thinking about it.” 

“Do you spend a lot of time watching me when I’m not aware? I didn’t realize you were such a creep.” Judy was definitely using humor as a form of avoidance; something that Jen could not fault her for. 

“Oh okay, fuck you Judy.” Jen responded with a playful shove to Judy’s shoulder, the other woman throwing her a look of mock surprise in response. 

Jen waited patiently in the silence that followed, she wanted to give Judy the space and time to respond. If this conversation was hard for her then it must be hell for Judy. 

“I just feel broken somehow. Not worthy, you know? Like, I feel completely fine and normal and then I’ll say something weird or I’ll drop something and I can’t stop thinking about what a fucking idiot I am and how I’ll never be good enough.” Jen felt her heart squeeze tightly at the admission and had to fight the urge to gather Judy in her arms and hold her until her tears stopped flowing. “I don’t think about killing myself but I’ll forget to buy bread for Henry’s lunches and I can’t stop thinking about what a fucking failure I am. I can’t stop thinking that I can’t do anything right and I’m worthless.” 

Jen felt her heart clench painfully. She knew Judy wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows; who would be with everything she’d been through? She’d had no idea how deep Judy’s scars went and how much sadness she carried around with her every day. The knowledge that Judy thought she was worthless or damaged beyond repair broke her fucking heart and she was determined to do whatever she could to help Judy see her value. 

“Oh honey, you are not broken and you’re the furthest thing from worthless. This family would fall apart without you.” It was a struggle to find words that conveyed to Judy how important she was so instead Jen made an internal promise to herself that she would never ever be the one to make Judy feel like she was worthless ever again. “This shit is above my pay grade though Jude, I want to help you feel better but I don’t know how.” 

“I know you’re right and I know I need help but I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know how to ask for help.” Judy finally met Jen’s eyes and there were no tears there now, just a fierce determination. 

“Well I know this really good grief group.” Jen knew she should be serious right now but humor was her coping mechanism and she wasn’t about to change that anytime soon. 

“Aren’t you the one that told me I don’t belong at a grief group?” Judy asked and Jen couldn’t tell if this was banter or a long held grievance that the brunette was finally airing. 

“That was wrong of me to say. Your struggle is valid.” 

“Your struggle is valid? What did you google ‘how to talk to your friend about their mental health problems?’” Judy leant forward and refilled both their wine glasses. 

“Um.. maybe.” Judy laughed loudly, throwing her head back and Jen couldn’t help but think how unbelievably beautiful she looked when she laughed like that; when she looked truly free. “Well I don’t fucking know how to talk about fucking feelings, that’s why you should go see a professional and not just listen to my life advice even though it is pretty good.” 

“Yea that thing you said about learning to say ‘no’ pretty much hit the mark. I say no way more now.” Judy nodded enthusiastically.

“You literally said yes to Charlie going to an underage party yesterday because you wanted him to think you were cool.” 

“Okay first of all, I am cool and b: I said I say ‘no’ more, not that I say no all the time. You gotta give a girl a little longer to break a lifelong habit of people pleasing.” It was Jen’s turn to laugh loudly, Judy had definitely had enough to drink. “I will though, go see a professional. But only if you promise to too, we both need to learn some healthier coping mechanisms because drinking a ton of wine and then having screaming matches in your garage isn’t cute.” 

Jen was worried that this was where this conversation would lead but she knew that Judy had a point. She needed to be better and she couldn’t do that on her own. She nodded her agreement and then pulled Judy into their signature sideways hug, the brunette’s head resting on her chest. 

She pretended to get drawn into whatever was happening on the screen in front of her when in reality she was trying to tamp down her hope. This conversation had gone better than she could have imagined and she couldn’t help but wonder what possibilities lay ahead for her and Judy if she finally learnt how to be a decent human being. Maybe she could finally be the kind of person that deserved Judy’s love, maybe someday soon she would be brave enough to tell her best friend how she truly felt about her. 

For now she was just content to hold Judy close and try to show her just how worthy and important she was. Maybe if she tried hard enough, Judy would finally start to agree.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m just really proud of the banter in this so I hope you like it. Also, part two (which I haven’t even started but have sort of outlined) will address Jen’s whole “I’m a piece of shit breakdown” so don’t worry, there’s more feels coming your way, if you want them


End file.
